broken flesh

i stepped into gamestop today, expecting an easy visit in search of a certain dance dance game, but nope, my life cant be that easy. i stop at the door, and i look around. the place is empty, and the register slave behind the counter looks a little distressed. i walk over, and i notice the glass that normally has games behind it is sort of missing. well, not really missing, just broken into little pieces all over the ground.

he says to me, "we had a little accident."

and i say, "sure looks like it."

then he tells me what happened. his co-worker was cleaning and moving shelves when the glass broke and cut the guys arm. just a small cut, nothing too bad.

so i go about my business. my dad comes in after parking the car and sorta looks around, just like i had done before. i say, "the glass broke behind the counter and cut some guy." i'm wondering where the co-worker is. he must have been in the back room.

the guy behind the counter then starts making and recieving phone calls. he keeps saying, "we had a big accident [he told me it was small] and jason [the co-worker, incidentaly enough] cut himself pretty bad and probably has to go to the hospital. [he told me it was minor]"

before me and my father left, the two employees were looking at the damage. one says, "we can sue!" and the other says, "hey you two, you guys were witnesses." me and my father looked at each other and left.

it was pretty cool.

artificial color

jujubes are the best thing to come around since dots. and trust me, dots are good. the best thing about jujubes is that they come in 4 different colors! i mean flavors. yes, flavors. jujubes are beatiful. so beatiful, in fact, that they could become modern art. super modern art.




jujubes also make great snack time snacks. they come in a little box. what's better than a little box to put your snacks into? nothing. that's what. the only downfall to this seemingly flawless candy product, is if you eat too many, you get a stomach ache. no one likes a stomach ache. not even tumblor the creature of pure stomach ache can stand the extreme pain caused by too many jujubes.

so put down your new high tech snickers bar that forsees the future, throw out your little sour gummie worms and buy a pack of either jujubes or dots. 89 cents a box.

while your at it, buy some chex mix.

woah dough

i have discovered that there is such thing as too many pretzels. lets say you're sitting on the couch watching your favorite movie, hopefully the mask of zorro. anyway, you sit down, whip out your zorro mask to make the most of the movie, and then you pull out the bag of pretzels. now with the bag of pretzels, the drink is obviously there. it can be any kind of drink.

so you have pretzels. correct? and you have a drink, right? okay, good. now dig in. the first, second, and third pretzels have a distinct taste. even if it's an old bag (old as in it was opened a day or so before but was closed the correct way. not as in it was open for small rodents to hop in or whatever), they have a sort of fresh taste.

then after that, they lose all originality. every pretzel tastes exactly the same. the salt build up closer to the bottom of the bag slowley becomes unbearable. the drink helps about zero percent. take a sip, eat pretzel, take a sip, eat pretzel. but none of this matters. we eat pretzels all the time anyway. i know i do. i love pretzels.

i need pretzels to live.

slow news day

on days like this, i wish i got spam. at least i would feel as though people wanted to talk to me. "buy a giraffe over the internet, you know you want too." and i'd be like, "hey, i do! how did they know. wow. it's like we're really connecting." see, spam is so under rated. sure, sometimes it can get annoying. and, yes, some contain viruses. but those are just things you are going to have to put aside if you want to feel good about yourself.

whirlpool

the best thing about a mantle, is that there is a fire place stuck right under it. so while you're looking at photos, small statues, and the occasional vase of flowers, you get to keep warm. and sometimes catch on fire. what i'm trying to say is that i want a mantle.

okay, now if you had a mantle, you would also have a water slide. it's just the rule. but not just one water slide, multiple water slides, leading to every room in the house. but with a slide, you also need a butler to hold your towel. if i had a water slide in my house, it would totally lead straight to my super secret underground water park.

see, if you have the money for a mantle, a water slide to every room in your house, and a butler at the end of each with a towel, you would have the money for a super secret underground water park. come on, it's common sence.

now all you need is a dump truck.

visible ink

invisibility is one of those skills that everyone wishes to have, so they may do perverse things in public places. this is all someone thinks about when they think of being invisible. but they will deny it. every time. sneeking into the opposite sex's bathroom is a very popular one. or pinching peoples asses. or spying on folks doing adult things in the bedroom. the list goes on.

but i am here to tell you something. i would not use my invisibility ability just for those reasons. i would use them for evil. what i am about to describe is so evil, that some of you may need to leave the room. trust me.

the first thing i would do, is sneak into the movies. i could pass right by the ticket window, being invisible and all. i would sit way in the back, and punch any teenagers that wanted to sit there and chat during the film. being punched by nothing is creepy. at least it would show those annoying kids what for. not even i talk during a movie. that much.

then i would go to whatever resturaunt i felt like eating at and walk right into the kitchen. i'd look around for finished dishes and steal them. the main chef would ask about for the missing plate, and no one would answer. then the cook would get very angry (because that's what people in the kitchen do) and go after the first living soul his eyes got a hold of. this is not just a tasty plan, but it's fun to watch, too.

once i was full, i would go out to the park and do a little experiment. this experiment consists of me being invisible and then tripping people. people become so embarrased when they fall down, so its even funnier.

after an hour or two of laughing at people skinning their knees, i would head down to the local tennis court. find two or four people playing, then stand on one side and push people as they are about to serve the ball. or before they hit a ball back over the net. not only would they lose, but they would scream about the existence of ghosts. how foolish. ghosts.

for my final sin ripping act, i would go up behind people, and tickle them. tickle them long and hard. the best part is that their friends and family will think their laughing acquaintance is slowly going crazy. this, truly, is the most sinister of all my invisible evils.

tremble in fear at my fear bringing.

pizza delivery

i want a dump truck. so much could be done with a dump truck. i could load stuff, or dump stuff, or deliver giant pizzas. giant pizzas would be awesome. i sure as hell wouldn't eat it, but watching someone else eat it would be funny. funny because he'd explode. i'm surprised they don't have a reality show where they feed people as much food as they can without making them explode.

"welcome back to 'americana idle', we're still on hour 5, and no one seems to be exploding yet. uh oh, i may have spoken too soon. jeff seems to be shaking uncontrollably."

a 500 pound man sitting in a recliner built for two is stuffing his face with food. then stops. yes, he stops so hard it hurts to watch. then he begins to shake. the other contestants are just sitting in their seats watching this happen, wondering why the hell they're on an island eating mass amounts of food. jeff stops shaking and begins eating more. the other contestants, releived with the success of jeff, start eating more as well.

"not that time, ladies and gentlemen. next time folks, we are sure it will happen." the camera man follows the host into a nuclear bomb shelter. where the host goes on to say, "this is where we will be capturing the rest of the action. we don't want anyone to get hurt here, so we took the most advance measures to make that promise."

but then jeff begins to shake again. "this is it folks..." men dressed in biohazard suits run to the vault doors and close them tight. the camera pokes out of the viewing window at the action. knowing their fate, none of the other contestants move. jeff explodes.

the network would cut that show out of the line up so fast, it would go back to the future. i love that movie. it was so good. the ride at universal is worth the two hour wait. trust me. go ride it. that is if they still have it. i haven't been there since i was 4 or 5. so i have no idea what it's like now.

actually, i've decided my own cruise ship would be better than a dump truck. i could fit multiple dump trucks on my boat. why would i limit myself to one pizza-delivering dump truck? i wouldn't.

i need that boat.