slap happy faces

what happend to television? i remember how good it used to be back in the early 90s. high quality programming, almost no reality television, and awesome commercials. yeah, i said it. awesome commercials. i used to be able to sit through them. but today, the commecials have gotten so bad, that i can hardly even crack a smile. ever notice how geico tries to hard? yah, me too.

i bet you that car insurance is crap. i've never met anyone with geico car insurance. you'd have to be stupid to get car insurance from a lizard, anyway. oops! not a gecko. it's geico! goddamn stupid comercials. the kids are on a perfectly fine car trip, singing and having fun, when that stupid ass lizard cuts in with, "everybody is kung foo fighting." that gecko knows nothing about manners. or family values.

geckos have always been a problem. i heard a kid was eaten by a gecko before. they probably eat other important things like crops, too. i remember there used to be these learning videos i had, where a gecko hosted a show about animals. i had the complete set. i learned a lot about animals with those simple vhs tapes. like how some animals can change color to escape enemies. i wish i could do that. "frothy, do you have your homework? frothy?" the funny thing is, i'd still be sitting in my seat. but i'd have seat camouflage.

schools should put cushions on the chairs. if i was more comfortable during class, i'd probably pay more attention to the teacher instead of my ass falling asleep. my ass falls asleep a lot. i'll just be sitting, and poof! all feeling gone. standing up is hard after that. and i enjoy standing. but only in my own time. i hate being forced to stand.

i wonder how the president stands so much. i bet for you to be elected into office, you have to have artificial legs. it all makes sence now. fake legs. imagine having fake legs. you could fall down all the time without scraping anything. you would be impervious to grass stains. solid gold legs. i could make a fortune! kay's golden leg emporium.

"every kick begins with kay," would be my motto.

liquid sunburns

how is our planet the only planet that is the perfect distance from the sun? mars isn't that far off, yet it's still a horrible, stupid planet. i refuse to believe that both venus and mars are so messed up that they cant support life. it's all government propaganda. if i can make a picture of a planet in photoshop, whats stopping nasa from doing the same thing?

so, if the earth were, let's say, 100 million more light-years away from the sun, we'd all freeze? damn, that would suck. our economy has a hard enough time when we get an inch of snow. the forcast calls for a foot of crystallized rain, people run to the supermarkets in a blind rush for supplies. its like the world's ending! oh wait, we're only getting a little snow. but we might have to shovel! that is the end of the world. people are stupid.

speaking of stupid, the other day at the resturaunt, a party of 20 came in and took over the side room. they took it upon themselves to raise the thermostat in the room to 85 degrees. the normal temperature is 65, because heat from the main room flows into it as well. so anyway, the other bus boy and i didn't even think to check the thermostat, since it was late and we wanted to leave.

so the next day, we all come into work, and the boss wrote out a list of things we "forgot" to do. number one on the list was the heat. it stayed at 85 degrees all night, making the room into a sauna. the boss wasn't exactly happy with all the extra oil that went into heating the empty building. so we got a nice big lecture. thanks a lot, party of 20 stupid idiots.

what an easy job, though. i wipe food from the empty table to the floor. i couldn't ask for a better job. 7 or 8 dollars an hour for that. including tips. you know what an easy job would be? a dollar sales man. you get paid for giving out dollars. i'd take that job. i want a job that involves doing absolutly nothing. but doesn't everybody?

too bad, i already called it.

microscopic porn

you know whats wrong with amoeba porn? amoebas have sex with tubes. no one wants to look at tube jerking. plus, anyone with some wierd amoeba porn fetish should die. and if they don't have the guts to commit suicide, they would never be able to find the money for a camera that was able to take clear pictures of microscopic organisms getting it on. i came to this conclusion because whoever likes amoeba porn has failed at life.

someone with this kind of fetish (we're going to suspect it is a heterosexual guy, seeing as how women have to look at tubes enough during child birth) either lives with his abusive parents, has a gay room-mate, or sits in prison.

lets say this man finally got a gal. they'd get into bed and the guy would be all like, "hey, can i connect my tube with yours?" and the woman would say, "i don't have a tube." the man would sit in stunned silence. untill the woman concluded, "women don't have tubes." then she would leave.

that guy would be crushed. not just because women don't have tubes, but because he'd soon find out his own tool isn't a tube. you cant help but feel kinda sorry for the tubeless man. poor guy.

let us say the tubeless man gets married. you can expect a very different episode of "jerry springer", let me tell you. the wife would sit in a chair in the far left of the stage. she would be pretty large, too. cause you cant be on "jerry springer" if your under 300 pounds, unless you're some kind of prostitute, porn star, or stripper.

so his fat wife would sit there and bitch at jerry saying, "my husband has been acting a little wierd lately. and he has been eyeing the amoeba down the street. i thing there is something happening between them." and jerry would speak into the microphone with, "well, do we have a suprise for you then, deborah. we have them both backstage waiting to come out!" and the woman would act all surprised.

the man and the amoeba would come out, hand in hand, and deborah would flip. well, flip a chair. okay, so she didn't flip that over either. she'd kind of tip it. with her fat. when she got up too quickly. anyway, steve and his body-gaurd buddies would have to hold her back. since, for some reason, it takes 20 guys to hold down an elephant woman.

then the man's wife would just keep screaming, "oh my god jerry oh my god i cant beleive it!" then jerry would slap the stupid lady. then she says, in proper english, "i knew it! i knew it!"

then the man would get all up in there and say, "yo, bitch, shut the hell up. this ameoba is hotter than you have been or ever will be. and i actually love her." and the amoeba would totally break it down and liquify words like, "i'm a huge amoeba."

then the wife would try to charge at the amoeba again, but fail. the audience would get all riled up and start yelling, "jerry, jerry, jerry!" jerry then stands and does nothing a little longer. the three folk on the stage calm down and sit in the assigned chairs.

jerry would then walk over to his little corner and gives his "final thought." he would say things like, "this, ladies and gentlemen, is what happens when a man and an amoeba get it on behind the wife's back. it can get a little wierd." then the show would end.

the moral of this story: don't attach your tube with the opposite sex without protection.

the significance of muffins

not a single soul in the world knows the importance of the muffin anymore. there are rules behind the muffin. rules that the generations have forgotten. the rules have been lost, until now. these rules are not fake. a muffin means a lot, put some time into the gift.

the first thing is the flavor. the flavor is everything. i recommend blueberry. mainly because no one can resist a blueberry muffin.

the next step is delivery. the muffin has many different meanings depending on how it has been presented. you don't want to give the receiver of the muffin the wrong idea.

• the friendship muffin 1: there are multiple ways to give this muffin to someone. you can tell the receiver before hand, so that they can be ready for the amazing gift. some people don't like the suspense of waiting, so this may not be the best way to give a muffin.
  

• the friendship muffin 2: to make the gift mean even more, but still fit into the "friend" category, you can make it a surprise. for it to be a real surprise, you have to look into it. you need to know if the receiver likes muffins. if they don't like muffins, that's hardly a surprise. if they do like muffins, and you give them a muffin, you will be friends for ever. no questions asked.

• the love muffin: this muffin can be given any way you want, but surprise is recomended. because with the surprise you can add the kiss. if you have a loved one, you don't need to make sure they like muffins, because any muffin from you will make their day. love is great. and easy.

• the "whatever" muffin: if you ask someone to buy you a muffin or vice versa, this is the "whatever" muffin. usually, you have given the money or received money for the muffin. so delivering/receiving usually means nothing in the ways of friendship or love.

muffins can also be given as an apology, a "get well soon" present, a birthday present, or a bar mitzvah thing. kids going into manhood love muffins. if i was jewish, i sure as hell would. you can give it to someone at a funeral, instead of some lame flowers. you can give anybody a muffin anywhere at anytime, and it will mean so much to them.

the muffin's meaning is instantly doubled when it is a "home-made" muffin. it means you put effort and time into the gift of a muffin.

sometimes you get that jerk that tells you that someone is going to give you a muffin, completely ruining the surprise. just try to forget what they said, because you want the gift of a muffin to mean everything. and you want to make the person who surprised you with a muffin happy.

it's almost offensive

winn-dixie questions my intelligence. there is no reason for this movie to have been filmed. who would look at the script and say, "wow, a dog that smiles! it's pure genius! when can we start?" some girl who works at a movie theater gave my art teacher a huge advertisment for the pointless movie. the dog's evil grin tries to steal my soul. seriously, a dog that smiles. end of movie. oh wait, i forgot. he gets a bath, too.