for the rest of us

happy festivus!

the holiday season

ah, the holidays are apon us. me? i celebrate good 'ol christmas. seems like christmas just snuck up on me this year, like a zombie in the darkest of rooms. i wasn't able to get everyone a gift, either. my rather low salary at work prevents me from purchasing nice things for my nice friends.

andy got me star wars pez despencers. adam gave me "the shining" and a mini slinky. slinky's are fun, no matter what.

speaking of slinky's, take a look at the world's largest slinky collection. this guy is crazy. if i was trying to get the largest collection of something, it would probably be silly putty. once i was done getting the record, i would take ALL my putty and make the world's largest silly putty ball. after i achieved that record, i would do the most dubious thing. the ball would be pushed, by me, over things. i'm talking about my very own katamari ball! i would be the new prince of the cosmos! what a rewarding day that would be.

the only thing wrong with that picture is the people. i don't think people would react well if they were to be ripped from the ground and jammed into a giant ball of putty and other people/things/animals. also, the katamari ball might begin to grab gravestones and eventually dead people, making for an unpleasent smell. the people now living on my ball would complain and i would never hear the end of it.

i would clean my katamari and everything would be good.

untill the king of the cosmos picks up my katamari ball and hurls it into space, causing all my people to die.

what a horrible way to go.

the blob

i got to use a pottery wheel today. it was fun AND messy. two of the best adjectives all in one. i made a bowl, then mushed it into an ashtray and finally into a horrible blob. like the one from the movies. that surrounds helpless people trying to make calls in a phone booth.

the goddamn blob thinks he can do whatever the hell he wants. killing people and such. he has no self control. none!

makes me so angry!

with love from us

as a memorial to the very well-known writer of the local newspaper who was killed in a horrible car accident, the town erected this:

foiled again

i decided to come online for a few minutes today to check my mail and other such articles of mention, when i see an interesting picture and caption to the side of my hotmail page.


since a caption usually goes along with the picture, i started thinking about jobs that would be romantically dangerous. a man and a woman about to embark into a heartfelt kiss is what the picture is depicting. "a heartfelt kiss somehow dangerous in a work area?" now i'm entrigued.

so i move my mouse ever so slowly over the link and click.

i start reading the new page. i read it good, thinking its some sort of tip as how to avoid any sort of sexual activity when a person is in the work place. but as i get more into the article i realize it's not about anything sexual or even romantic!

the entire thing is about the 10 most dangerous jobs. go figure.

the 10 most dangerous jobs

check it out. but its hardly as interesting as sex.

i mean kissing.

chicken ocarina

we've all played the legend of zelda or whatever, right? well, as i was making myself some chicken fingers, i found a chicken finger that looked like Link's ocarina! amazing, i know.

i <3 ramen

i have decided, since its the cool thing to do and wear, that i am going to make a wrist band that supports me. hey, every other person has their own charity these days so why not me. i like being selfish. so what?

but let me tell you, i would have the best wrist band around. i wouldn't make some lame one liner, like "livestrong" or "one", i'd have it say something important. that everyone would apreciate. one that would kick every other wrist band out of the water. it would say:

"trust tyler durden"

it would be pink. yes, i know the breast cancer one is pink, but mine would be a manly pink. how do you make pink manly? you add more red than white, stupid.

all the money would go twords some sort of charity i suppose. mainly the "my computer eats my cash" charity. or the "i love teh ramen" charity.

dude, ramen is so good. its pretty good cooked, but i love it raw. who would ever guess a clump of hard noodles would taste so good. i tap a little of the flavor powder onto the noodle clump and chow down. (the high sodium makes it taste better!)

i'm so totally going to die young because of ramen.

asleep at the leg

and here come the pins and needles.

don't you just hate that? your leg is numb for a while, then you move it and your leg goes through an intense session of acupuncture. moving even the smallest muscle sets off a chain reaction of "pins and needles". why pins and needles? why not glass shards and screws? or redneck comedy and andy dick? its ment to sound painful, right?

listen to louis xiv.

an army of some smurfs

did you pick up the new 'ipod mini'? howabout that new razor cell phone. seems things are getting smaller. plasma televisions? may be very long, but there is only an inch between the screen and the wall. computer parts. getting much smaller and faster. every product on the market is either getting smaller or having a clock built into it. but why? convenience? no! the government is going to shrink us down very soon so noone will have to worry about running out of supplies any time soon.

yes. yes. yes! the government is lazy. so very lazy. but think about it, their plan is genius. houses will hold one family to a room. cars may have to be redone, but at least one thousand mini cars can come from one normal car. a drop of gas will fill the tank. electricity will function better as it only has to charge small things. the economy will bloom once again! like that one time in 1994 that i dont remember.

"now, what about the rain? huh. huh. hey! huh?" yah yah, we all saw that 'a bugs life' movie. the rain drops were huge. but come on. don't you think that was exagerated. and it was a movie! raindrops. pfft. who ever heard of rain killing someone?

well, i have. but only once! and he shouldn't count because he didn't know how to breathe without his oxygen tube. anyway. any. way.

umm. yup. so. shrinking will happen. because of. umm. oh! the government. it will solve some problems. and umm. yah. we'll be really small. like smurfs! oh man. smurfs was such a bad show. but i watched it anyway. what was it? like a witch and her dog? or was it like a ferrit. i cant even remember. all i know is that papa smurf kicked ass. he was all wise and stuff. all the other smurfs were just stupid. and what was up with the one with the glasses? what a nerd.

'beauty and the geek'. lets just look at this show for a moment. just for one second. okay?

yup.

what the hell were they thinking!? what a stupid idea. you know what made it worse? i heard that ashton kutcher came up with the idea. no, really. first he comes up with 'punk'd' which was funny at first, but then was just there so people could look at ashton.

speaking of looking at ashton, 'that 70s show' is not very good anymore. the new episodes are a disgrace to the 'that 70s show' name. now is the time, fellow smurfs, to rise up against terrible television stations and shows. down with mtv. we should replace mtv with mtv! no more music television. i think its time for some muffin television.

we all know the significance of muffins and we should put that knowledge into a television station. they could sell muffins, or cook muffins, or teach you how to cook and then sell muffins! blueberry muffins are the best, but i've been over that already.

so yup. minimize the population.

send or sin

religious chain mail. (real.)

"i am the light, he who follows me will never be in the darkness. I LOVE YOU JESUS CHRIST! send this message to 10 friends, and see what happens in your life on the 4th day, your life will improve. please, do NOT keep this message for yourself alone! someone, somewhere, needs you."

shoot me now.

okashi

Reese's peanut butter cups are pretty big, right? right. but, i guess its not enough chocolate and peanut butter taste for the folks down at the hershy's food factory.

i recently indulged upon a reese's "big cup", which is two times as large as a normal reese's peanut butter cup, and it was very, very tasty. but mind you, its exactly like having two cups, but in one bite. plus they only come in packets of one. so in reality, you are gaining nothing. but hell if i care, i love the peanut butter. more peanut butter equals more peanut butter induced hallucinations of inanimate dancing objects.

while i'm on the subject of candies, i'd like to point out a little gas-station-fifty-cent-bag-o-candy company called "gonzo". in short, they make half-assed clones of major brand candies. sorting through the selections of candy, i came upon what looked like swedish fish. now, swedish fish have that taste. the taste that just tells you that you're eating swedish fish. "gonzo" doesn't give their fish that taste. they give their fish the taste of left over liquorice and gummy bear bits smooshed into the shape of some sort of mutated gold fish.

it's almost as if "gonzo" has no idea how to make liquorice or gummy bears either. all of their candy gives you this feeling like all they did was add water to the mixture to be able to make the candy in mass quantity. but i digress, i buy their candy all the time. it gives the quick sugar rush needed.

[edit (may 4, 10:21pm):] there is still cornbread in my refrigerator. i think the family forgot about it. i'm surprised it hasn't gotten covered in mold by now.

[edit (may 5, 10:42pm):] the cornbread menace is finally dead.

[edit (may 5, 10:44pm):] i miss cornbread.